Over the past hundred years the way people find their spouses have changed drastically.

A hundred years ago people did not choose for themselves. Their parents chose a well endowed mate for them. Some countries still practice this. I spoke with someone who's parents still practiced this. I asked her. "How do you feel about it?" She said. "I think my parents will choose someone that is right for me." I asked. "What about love?" "She said that she would grow to love him, because he would be a good man."

Another scenario that is more recent, is the idea of dating. In the last 50 years it has been the norm for a young person in his or her late teens and early twenties to go to dinner and a movie and get to know eachother, whilst doing something entertaining. Guys would ask girls out, pay for dinner and after a few successful dates with that certain person the "couple" would decide to be a "COUPLE".

More to come soon....I'm getting off work now....I'll get to my point the next time.

Beautiful, youre beautiful, as beautiful as the sun
Wonderful, youre wonderful, as wonderful as they come
And I cant help but feel attached
To the feelings I cant even match
With my face pressed up to the glass, wanting you
Beautiful, youre beautiful, as beautiful as the sky
Wonderful, its wonderful, to know that youre just like i
And Im sure you know me well, as Im sure you dont
But you just cant tell
Wholl you love and who you wont
And I love you, as you love me
So let the clouds roll by your face
Well let the world spin on to another place
Well climb the tallest tree above it all
To look down on you and me and them
And Im sure you know me well, as Im sure you dont
But you just cant tell, who youll love and who you wont
Dont let your life wrap up around you
Dont forget to call, whenever
Ill be here just waiting for you
Ill be under your stars forever
Neither here nor there just right beside you
Ill be under the stars forever
Neither here nor there just right beside you

Never was on time
Yes, I once was mine
Well, that was long ago
And darling, I don´t mind.
Yeah, we were just two fucks in lust
Baby, that just don´t mean much
You trained me not to love
After you taught me what it was.

For the first time in my life I have consciously reached capacity.

I've spread myself too thin many times. This time....I am of sound enough mind to acknowledge the fact. Rather than my typical response of explaining it away or blaming it on some incidental environmental life change that "wasn't my fault." It's all been my fault. I put myself in those precarious situtations

My current pursuit of a more rewarding degree is pushing the limits of my mental capacity. Here's why...

I am currently taking 15 credit hours in a major that I'm falling in love with and challenges me in an enjoyable way. I honestly feel I am gaining a wrinkle on the gray matter everyday now.

Not a big undertaking by itself. Now add in a part time job with increasingly demanding deadlines

I am the current secretary of FSU paintball. Not a big task either if one was content to sit back and document the unorganized bable of 5 college boys trying to find a way to not have to pay to play paintball. I can't do that though. I strive to do more in one semester than they have done in the past 5 years. I have the ability to do it...I just don't have the time to beat them into shape so I can feel comfortable putting my name on their actions and venture out promoting the club and soliciting contributions from the community. I've been paid to do this by other companies. I'm offering to do it for free. But no community member is going to want to support a bunch of drunkasses that only "take" from their environment. I don't expect a bunch of community service, I just need them to do what they say they are going to do, and stop using the excuse "we're in college people expect us to be this way". Yeah...uh...no. I can't stress to them enough that it pays to rise above the expectations put on you. Making money for the club would be so easy if they'd stop trying to be like everyone else. I've actually written my letter stepping down from my position. I just can't bring myself to turn my back on them. It stresses me too greatly to try to make them understand, when all they see me as trying to do is...make the club more "business-like."

AND

I work 40 hours a week. No big deal by itself. No big deal if one only strives to "pass" in her educational endevours or if one is only taking Art History classes.

Ahe problem lies in I am a relatively new employee in a position that was newly created. I am a guinea pig. A well paid guinea pig, but experimental none the less. Working in the medical field with no medical background requires constant learning. There will never be a time that I can go on autopilot and work a shift. There will always be a new term to learn or new way of processing some tidbit of patient information. Don't get me wrong I love what I do, it just stresses me to be in two learning environments at once.

AND

The relationship with my boyfriend has become increasingly estranged. I still love him, I'm just not satisfied with our relationship. Progress needs to happen when a relationship matures. Im not talking marriage, just growth in how much you know eachother. I don't feel that I know enough about him. However, I don't know what questions to ask to find out more. I'm worried that I know all that there is. I have found him to be an extremely creative, logical, and intelligent person. He lacks motivation to do stuff for himself. NO I don't mean he won't clean, or cook...He lacks the ability to put himself first at times. I watch him work 80+ hours a week for other people, while they pay him a 3rd of what he could be making if he'd just take the time to look for another job. Or take the time to finish his degree and make 5 times what he's making now. Since I've met him he has gained some weight, I offer for us to work out together. Something we can do together and better ourselves. His excuse is always the same. I've got this deadline or that deadline, we'll start next week. To busy....To busy to better himself. I've taken the stance that it is his life. I'm moving forward with mine. If our paths are running parallel in the future it will be great, if not.....well, I can't let someone hold me back. Im getting too old to compromise my goals for someone else. This is causing an abundance of stress.

I've taken harbor in an old friend, however it stresses me to rely on him. I'm not positive he feels comfortable in his shoes, due to our past and his own internal listlessness. He's going through some tough times as well, making the first few steps toward complete independence. The first step is always the most difficult, the rest just kinda happen.
I try to feel him out sometimes, but he's a tough one to read when trying to determining what external factors in his life are stressing him. He's one of a very few people I can say I genuinely give a shit about what he thinks and I feel in part responsible for making sure he's okay. Mostly because he is there for me when I need a wall to bounce thoughts off or need someone to help me chill.

I've decided to write this all down, to get it all out and see if the physiological stress will allow me to sleep at night. and I'm hoping that my recent diagnosis with Asthma will return to something less chronic if my life settles down again. The very thought of having a chronic disease stresses me. It's treatable, but I hate the thought of taking a pill everyday that makes me nervous and my headache. Do I really need pills to be able to breathe? My body is telling me I don't have the Right to breathe, just when my life has come together so well that I want to wake up in the morning and great the sun. irony.

It is a new year! My new job is still going well. I've been there for 5 weeks and I'm not bored as hell yet. The best part is...I don't think about work away from work. That's a first.

Next week I start back to school to get the degree I should have gotten the first time around. Information Technology. Yeah, I need a piece of paper to say I am a computer nerd. Actually, I don't...its the people I want to hire me that need to know.

Okay...so you're wondering what I've been up to.

This past weekend I went to Jacksonville and spend some time in a little place called Dave and Buster's --think Chuckie Cheese with alcohol for adults. So $25.00 lighter and 3 hours later I've got a cup full of tickets to be cashed in. I couldn't find a prize that I wanted so....next time I'll get something cool...like a blender or something.

On the trip over it was brought to my attention that I'm a little too observant. This truck passed our car and I saw in the back that there were to small dogs in carriers in the back of the truck. About 10 minutes after we passed them, we saw a small dog in the middle of the road. Scott was like....that looks like one of the dogs from the truck that passed us. We sped up and saw that on of the cage's doors had fallen off and there was no dog in it. SO we made up this sign that said CALL US ABOUT YOUR DOGS! with my cell number on it. We catch up with the truck and make all kinds of hand motions to get the passengers' attentions. The look and laugh and roll there eyes. After about 3 minutes of "pushing the issue" they finally call. I tell them that one of their dogs is missing out of the back and that we saw it run off the road about 15 miles back. Now the reason I mention this...It still bothers me thinking that that poor dog is lost out there on the interstate. But I don't want to be a weirdo and call the family back. I wish I didn't pay so much attention to things some time.

Now on to brighter things.
I realized today while in traffic. I haven't done anything world altering nor am I poised to make any changes in the world on a global level. However, it doesn't matter. One of the things that has bothered me for most of my life is that I wanted to be the best at something or create something life altering. I realized today that that might never happen. I'm okay with that. I'm happy and the people around me are as happy as they will allow themselves to be. I never thought that I would say... I don't care and be happy about it. I've been a fixer all my life. I tried to fix other people's problems. It is not responsibility to make sure that other people are happy. This has been an amazing burden lifted off of me. No longer will I try to fix other people's lives or make them more happy at the expense of my own happiness. Being a martyr hasn't gotten me anywhere but where I was. I didn't like where I was. I'm a different person now...and it is okay to be a little selfish.

On that note.
happy new year fuckers ;)

I am not this person in some ways, and I am so much more this person in others.


More proof that idiots exist even in bookstores. Is this really necessary?


Take it a step further and read this http://www.livejournal.com/users/qft/11680.html
Guarranteed to make you bust a gut.

I was just bony hands as cold as a winter pole
You held a warm stone out new flowing blood to hold
Oh what a contrast you were
To the brutes in the halls
My timid young fingers held a decent animal.

Over the ramparts you tossed
The scent of your skin and some foreign flowers
Tied to a brick
Sweet as a song
The years have been short but the days were long.

Cool of a temperate breeze from dark skies to wet grass
We fell in a field it seems now a thousand summers passed
When our kite lines first crossed
We tied them into knots
And to finally fly apart
We had to cut them off.

Since then it's been a book you read in reverse
So you understand less as the pages turn
Or a movie so crass
And awkardly cast
That even I could be the star.

I don't look back as much as a rule
And all this way before murder was cool
But your memory is here and I'd like it to stay
Warm light on a winter day.

Over the ramparts you tossed
The scent of your skin and some foreign flowers
Tied to a brick
Sweet as a song
The years have been short but the days go slowly by
Two loose kites falling from the sky
Drawn to the ground and an end to flight.

Im still sick! BOO!

However, Im really happy because I am now the secretary of FSU paintball. A small position some might say, but breaking into the boys club wasn't as easy as it would seem. However I came prepared.

Prepared with a speech that made my opponent openly admit he was going to be voting for me. To think I was going to pull out of the running because I didn't think I had a chance. I guess what Im really happy about is, I now have the chance to make a difference in something that Ive been complaining about for a while.

Anyway its time for me to take my sick self to bed.

I n

Im sick
I just coughed for 10 minutes straight.
I just thought you all would like to know.
Thank you
Goodnight and Goodluck.

Im so damned bored I'm taking quizzes.
This one made me laugh, because of a conversation I once had.
The conversation had a critical tone, but I knew it was true.
And here....a stupid little online quiz tells me the same thing.
In light of my current situation the last paragraph seems very pertinent.

Your Seduction Style: Fantasy Lover

You know that ideal love that each of us dreams of from childhood? That's you! Not because you posess all of the ideal characteristics, but because you are a savvy shape shifter. You have the uncanny ability to detect someone's particular fantasy... and make it you. You inspire each person to be an idealist and passionate, and you make each moment memorable Even a simple coffee date with you can be the most romantic moment of someone's life By giving your date exactly what he or she desires, you quickly become the ideal lover. Your abilities to make dreams come true is so strong, that you are often the love of many people's lives. Your ex's (and even people you have simply met or been friends with) long to be yours. No doubt you are the one others have dreamed of... your biggest challenge is finding *your* dream lover.

Happy People day, ya jive turkey's!

Or somethin like that.

I'm thinkin' about my doorbell
When ya gonna ring it, when ya gonna ring it
Yeah, I'm thinkin' about my doorbell
When ya gonna ring it, when ya gonna ring it
Yeah, I'm thinkin' about my doorbell
When ya gonna ring it, when ya gonna ring it
yeah, I been thinkin' about my doorbell

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

Yeah thats what a few years more experience will get you. ;)

Back before I had the luxury of a CD player a boy gave me a mix tape of all the songs that made him think of me. Needless to say it didn't work out...but I still have the tape full of memories.

I was listening to it the other day and I found this song by Billy Joel released in 1977. I like to think it describes me well. Good and Bad.

She can kill with a smile
She can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child
But she's always a woman to me

She can lead you to live
She can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth
But she'll never believe you
And she'll take what you give her as long as it's free
She steals like a thief
But she's always a woman to me

Oh, she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh, and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

She will promise you more
Than the Garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you're bleedin'
But she'll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause she's always a woman to me

She is frequently kind
And she's suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases
She's nobody's fool
But she can't be convicted
She's earned her degree
And the most she will do
Is throw shadows at you
But she's always a woman to me

I started my new job today. Orientation was rather dry and dull. However the "homework" we were given to read was enlightening.

One assignment was a short exerpt from a book about how dying people communicate in various ways to the people around them. The story taken from the book was a touching story about how one woman's spiritual pain was relieved by her husband telling her his plans for his life after her death. She was listless and dispondent until he spoke to her, she was emotionally struggling with leaving this world, because she was worried about her husband who had depended on her greatly over the course of their marriage. After he spoke with her about his plans to move in with his son, her mood and demeanor lightened and she let go of this world in peace. Leaving behind a husband that understood how much she loved him and hated to leave him behind.

I am not a religious person, I don't even play one on Sundays.

However, there is a growing compassion for human life that I keep experiencing in myself. More and more I find myself building bridges I once burned, shaking my head at the person I was. I can almost feel familial love (yes, even with my eff'd up family) and have found ways to appreciate almost everyone that passes my way.



I think Im going to take my tired butt to bed. Im sure tomorrow will be a tissue toting tear jerker. But I'm pretty sure that overall they will be tears of happiness brought on by the stories of how the organization I now work for, has touched the lives of the dying and their loved ones. If thats not a reason to smile and enjoy life and my job, I don't think ther is one.

On a normal day, you wouldn't catch me dead in camoflage, but today I ventured into the world of woodsball. A cultural experience to say the least. I didn't go full camo, just a shirt. It really didn't help much but what the hell, when in Rome...

My first woodsball experience has made me realize that I missed something by not starting small. Four years ago, I went straight from no paintball to dropping about a grand on all the acoutrements required for tournament style speedball. Had I worked my way up like most people...woodsball, recball, and then on to tournaments, I would have learned some of the fundamentals I am missing in my game. Namingly gun fighting skills (spare me the Napoleon Dynamite jokes). I never learned to snapshoot, or how to use the angles on my bunker or how to read a field. All very important things you learn from woodsball that carry over into speedball.

My gun skills are so weak that when I went to NCPA National finals 2 years ago, the question was raised was it necessary for a player to carry a paintball gun to participate in a game. Im a front player...Im not expected to shoot much, but the thought of being on a field without a gun seems a bit ridiculous. But Im considered "good" because I'm small and I can move. I can get to the 50 off the break and most people don't know Im there til they try to cross on to my side of the field. I usually shoot no more than a hopper of paint in any given game which is rather pathetic seeing my male counterparts blow through a case a game.

The funny thing is one of the FSU officers thinks Im a "good" player. They even tracked me down to play with them at a recent tournament because they needed "good" players. HAHA. Yeah, I didn't play but it was still flattering even though the compliment was undeserved.

I'm interested in seeing what they'll say when I actually play well.

Anyway...I feel safe in saying that I may be wearing camo more often in the future, but only to better my speedball performance. Ah the sacrifices we make for the things we love.

Recently I was introduced to the written word of a friend's ex.

Never have I read such scathing bitterness in the guise of confidence and personal strength, until now.

I don't know this girl, but I really don't have much good to say about her after reading her rant about my friend not having a life. I held my tongue on her site because I don't want to unleash a cargo ship full of drama into my life. However, I can not help but comment on it here.

First off who is she to judge. She's the one reading something composed completely for amusement and then writing a page or so in response to something not even remotely related to her. Criticizing my friend for his hobbies and his habit of writing about his day in a humorous retrospect on lj. Okay....so people with blogs are not obligated to voice their opinions or be introspective unless they are paid to. For some people a journal is a place to record how you thought about things at a certain point in your life...to be viewed in the future to see how you have grown, matured, etc. Others record funny thoughts for the amusement of others.

The latter is the case for my friend. However his ex has accused him of putting writing for the sake of acceptance from others as a "pat on the back" from his current friends. My friend does seek acceptance from the people around him, we all do, but attacking someone viciously and publicly for whatever reason isn't going to change that. What exactly is wrong with having friends that support your opinions and are amused by witty narrations of daily life? Daily we are faced with people of opposite opinions, I don't feel my friend's life is any different. He is friends with people with contrasting opinions than himself. He's friends with me.

She accuses him of writing for a specific audience. Anyone who keeps a non private journal is writing for someone to read.
Who is she writing for? and why? To show her friends and herself how emotionally sterile and bitter she is? That is something I'm not touching. However I will comment on the verbal attack in general.

I have found by addressing issues that need changing it is better to calmly and tactfully address the situation with the person in private. My friend listens to what I have to say, because I tell him in a way that isn't demeaning to him. Bending someone over a barrel and verbally ass raping him in a public forum does nothing to change the situation except to make the victim lose respect for and ignore the person who is expressing their opinion so viciously.

I totallly understand the point this girl is trying to make. She thinks he needs to grow up and grow up fast. And it seems she has always wanted him to grow up on her schedule. He will grow when he is ready. He's got an entire life ahead of him. Some people should stop worrying so much about others wasting their life and worry more about what they are doing with their own.

My friend is cautious about taking the steps of life. NOT out of fear of the unknown, but a desire to maintain a certain standard of living and stability. Moving out of his current situation is a rush with his current rate of income would not be very conducive to making further progress in other aspects of his life. He does need to find another job, but building a resume of experiences proving to a potential employer that he has the fortitude to stick with a position is important as well.

I am defending him...mostly because I understand his position. I've barrelled headlong and headstrong in to many uncomfortable and unknown situations. Yes, I have experienced a bit more life than he, but there are somethings in life that I have experienced that if I could I would save everyone in the world from experiencing. I used to be bitter and cold like this ex of his. Emotionally devoid towards the feelings of others when it came to my opinion about how life should be lived. This was mostly due to the unhappiness I felt about my own self and accomplishments.

And if faced with the unnecessary task of comparing his success and mine. I would say that he is far more successful in many aspects of his life than myself. I however do not concern myself with his successes vs. mine, I concern myself with enjoying my friendship with him.

People develop at different paces and in different ways for a reason. It's called individuality and self-determined fate. Belittling someone's existance to encourage them to grow faster is like chopping off new branches of a sapling tree. People grow through nurturing and friendship. Some people need tough love. Those type of people are alcoholics and drug users. By telling someone something gently with tact isn't skirting the issue, it's presenting it in a way that allows the person to see the logic and cause for the advice giver's opinion.

I have learned alot about myself, because of my friend. He taught me how to be more compassionate and kind. I think that he learned a little bit from me as well. Neither of us resorted to condescending comments verbally or written to encourage the process of growth and change one desired of the other.

And if you are reading this....respond how you will. I wrote it to be read by all parties concerned. However do not criticize someone for deriving pleasure from reading other's comments even if they are supportive and a "pat on the back". He chose to share part of his life with you in the past and the present. And for this you reward him with a condescending post obviously directed at him for the sake of what? To make yourself feel better because you are unhappy the relationship didn't turn out the way you wanted? Sometimes things don't work out. Sometimes failure is caused by your own actions. Grow up and get over it. I did and because of it, I have him as a friend.

(you can stop reading here....nothing but witty banter to amuse my reader friends follows)

On a totally unrelated note....

I washed my car for an hour and it still doesn't look good :(
Time for a paintjob or a new car.
I vote for new car.

If you are reading this...
Directing a comment of "don't read this" towards some encourages them to read on. Stop trying to hide your true opinions about someone behind faulty warning labels. Grow a pair and speak your mind.

Last night I was walking on campus with a friend....

look what I found.



I got choked up for a minute.

I miss you little boy.

So Im driving down the road and I see this homeless guy with a sign that says "HOMLESS, PLESE HELP" and the first thing that popped into my mind was "DAMN, he didn't have enough money to buy a vowel" I felt rotten about this until I saw the $100 mountain bike with the tell-tale hobo beer bag next to it, chained to a nearby telephone pole. His spelling error is quite lucrative or he stole the bike...either way no beer money for you, mr. hobo.